acceptance · me · ramblings

Conquering Kate

Looking inward is a difficult task. If we lie, truly we are only lying to ourselves. The only person we are hurting is ourselves. Why do it? Sometimes we just don’t want to see who we really are. We don’t want to shed light on the person we have let our selves become. The disappointment to be had in ourselves is something hard to deal with. It’s easy to point out the changes in behavior or thoughts to a friend. But who wants to look in the mirror and say “Hey when did you become such a douche bag?” “Wake up. Stop letting people walk all over you” “Come one already..this tired story again?”

I have been battling with my weight. Even had a weight loss blog.  I have beat myself up for a VERY long time about it. I would look at that reflection in the mirror and just be so angry with her. What’s wrong? Put down the fork? Up your activity! No one could possible be any harder on me than I already was. I lost weight. I was melting it off. I busted my butt. After 100+ lbs gone, I reached a goal. An amazing goal. Why wasn’t I happy? Why wasn’t I ecstatic at the image I saw in the mirror?

This was a moment of realization for me. If I didn’t love me at 395, how could I love me at 220? How could I love me at ANY weight? The weight wasn’t the problem, my brain was. I needed to be less concerned with the numbers on the scale and more concerned with the thoughts in my mind. The REAL work I needed to do was between my ears. Self hate is a terrible habit to break. Something I have been working on. But the degree to which I needed to kick into gear was much dire than I thought. I hated me. For quite some time, I hated me. The smallest things about me. I found fault in everything physical about me.
And my friends this is where my evolution has brought me ..Conquering Kate. In being my own worst enemy, I understand now that I have to conquer all those thoughts to love me. I have to conquer all the self hate. I have to conquer loving MYSELF unconditionally.

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