I will never forget the sparkle of the elevator floor. The floral smell left lingering on the air. The brightness of the lights scorching through my tears leaving a warm red look to my face. The reflective ceiling showing all the pain, grief and anguish I thought I was hiding so well. My reflection deceptively giving away the train wreck my mind was in. The thickness of the air squeezing all the life from me. Second floor to the fifth floor. That elevator ride was all it took. And just like that, he was gone. The life left behind his tattered body, a body so much older in condition then it was in years.
I still want to come pick you up ya know? I still want you to call me one more time and annoy the hell out of me because you want a cheese pie. I just want to ride that elevator one more time to watch a Supernatural marathon while you eat the hospital out of all the extra goodies they have on that floor. But we both know that can’t happen. We both know you’re better off where ever you me be. My mind knows that. But I sure wish my heart would get with the program. I cry more days than not. I’m told it’s all a part of the healing. I feel like that’s all just bullshit people just say to you to try to make you feel better. You can’t fill the Grand Canyon.
I tell myself the Grand Canyon is meant to be there. It’s a marvel to be seen. Yet my Grand Canyon lacks luster. As of today, after 5 months, it’s still just a gaping hole. An empty spot. I know just give it time….
I will never forget the anxiety, the excitement, the wonder dancing around in my mind. The sparkle of that same elevator floor now looked like glitter. Glorious wonderful glitter thrown all over the floor lighting the way to this wonderful little lady’s entrance to the world. I cried as I got on that elevator. I didn’t blink. I didn’t yawn. I didn’t want to lose one second of that ride. I remember how precious this 90 second ride would be to me later. The reflection I saw this time was tear streaked again. How my reflection needs to learn how to catch up!!! This time my tears were of joy & sadness. The feeling that I was about to bring this beautiful girl into the world and for the first time my dad wouldn’t be there to see one of my girls. He had been reduced to stories of a man, not a man standing there.
This year…two elevator rides changed my life forever.