acceptance · life · me · ramblings

Everything I’m not, made me everything I am

Who are am I supposed to be? What life path was I supposed to choose? Where’s my single until I die, no kids, no commitments life?  Many times in my life, I’ve felt I was losing my way. I was breaking down. All of my dreams were falling apart. Nobody out there could guide me because I couldn’t guide myself.  We all have expectations of what we think life should be. Our problems comes when we make choices and the aftermath of the choice is NOT what we expected. I have had quite a few friends who want/wanted the “American Dream”. The family. The Kids. White picket fence. NOT me. That wasn’t for me. I was NOT Donna Reed. Leave it to Beaver made me want to vomit. I wasn’t getting tired down by responsibilities and commitments.

When I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, my heart told me it was gonna be a hard journey. However, there was nothing I could do.  She was my responsiblity.  I was depressed. My world shattered. I had barely any support during my pregnancy. My home life was a big thumbs down. The only blessing I had left to my name was the morning I saw her frosted hair for the first time. Then my motto was me and her vs the world. We could do it. We’d be fine. We didn’t need anything but each other. I threw myself into my job. I was gonna be the best of the best at work. I would succeed. And I did. My job was my identity. I had all that recognition I wanted. And of course more monkey wrenches, including but not limited to, a divorce, remarriage, resignation at job and  two more kids.

Nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING in my life is what I thought it would be or what I wanted. But I never really knew what I wanted. Well at least that’s what I believe. I had all of these dreams and plans. Ya know what though, I never took my happiness into account. I was taking status and all of those physical aspects to life into consideration. Never once did I really sit down and think about what would bring me inner peace.  I used to be like everyone else in the world and sit and feel like a failure. Those points in life where you think “I really should-be been doing (fill in blank) by now”. I don’t do that anymore. Why? Because I know I’m exactly where I am supposed to be. How do I know that? Because I am at peace and happy. My happiness comes from the inside of me, not from anything material.

I am not a college graduate. (used to beat myself up about this one ALOT because I was so close)  I am not a school teacher. I am not a single woman taking on the world with no commitments. I am not anything anyone else thought I’d be either. But here I am…The suburban stay at home mom. The wife. The gardener. The fresh hot cookies when they get off the bus mom. Maybe it is Leave it to Beaver-ish  meets Sanford and son(cuz I love me some junkin’!)  But hell, I’m happy.  I’m grateful that everything I’m not made me everything I am.

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