acceptance · love · me · ramblings

It’s your song

Alcoholism is an evil demon. The double edged sword of the sweet surrender followed by that insatiable want. The want to feel relaxed. The want to to not feel. The want to just get through another day without having to deal. If you’ve ever dealt with an alcoholic or are recovering, you know how sinister a beast this can be to slay. You will think you’ve got it licked and it rises from the ashes like Phoenix with a direct objective to consume your soul.

I danced with this devil after the split of my first marriage. I was a train wreck. I had a one year old. I was a single parent. I was working full time. I didn’t want to deal with the emotional cluster of crap from this split. I had signed on forever. And just like that it was severed. Depression set in and so did the drinking. A co-worker turned a very good friend during this time. She is the ONLY person who knows the extent to which I sank. She however never did judge me. And for that, I am eternally grateful. No matter what time, she was there with an ear, shoulder, encouraging words. But she never did really drink with me. Never enabled me once. And when I woke up from drunken stupor, of all my friends I shit on, she stayed.

My awakening was on a Sunday morning. I woke up, severely hung over to a crying 1 1/2 year old.  She wanted to listen to my “cowboy” music. This was Garth Brooks Double LIVE. (Arguably the BEST country CD EVER released!) I popped in the CD. I went to the bathroom. Horrid events occurred in there. I washed up my face. I walked back to the bedroom we shared. There she was. Sitting wrapped in the sheet. A little of the sheet covering her head. Completely wrapped in pastel pink she looked like an angel. Just like the day she had been born. Soft radiant skin. Eyes blue as the sky. It’s Your Song was playing…”Mommy sing a me”.

My life was touched by an angel that day. Divine intervention had occurred at it’s finest. I broke down, cried. What the hell was I doing? What was wrong with me? The best part of the universe was sitting right in front of me and I was wasting away.   I can now admit that I switched the drinking for eating.  At the time I just saw it as myself not drinking so I was ok. I am currently still working on my food addiction. And once again today as I was listening to It’s Your Song, I broke down and cried. Coming so far with still such a long road ahead seems daunting.  But now I have three angels cheering me on. Three people who see what I got through and encourage, never enable.

Garth Brooks said it best:
And it was your light that shined
Guiding my heart to find
This place where I belong


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