acceptance · me · ramblings

Unspeakables

Coming from a large family, there is quite a variety of people included.One thing we have in common is the “unspeakables”. The “unspeakables” refers to all things involving feelings. Things like telling people you love them or how much they mean to you, how grateful you are to have them in your life, hugs, showing any signs of affection. Unspeakables are the things that can keep you awake at night. What should I have said? Could I have done something different? Would it even matter? The unspeakables then also can, and often do, lead to regrets. Regrets open up a whole Pandora’s box of mental anguish that eat away at us day in and day out. I openly admit I have fallen prey to the turbulent cycle of regrets and woulda coulda shouldas.

I can proudly say today that I have no regrets. Why? Because what are regrets really? When we regret something, we feel sorry for something we’ve done. When I think of a regret as something I should feel anguish over. Here’s the thing, as I’ve processed life objectively, I have come to realize we shouldn’t have regrets, only lessons learned. Sure I’ve done things I’m sorry for. Sure I’ve done things I need to be apologetic for. BUT every little thing that has happened has happend for a reason. There was something there for me to learn. Most times, the things I was most regretful for where the hardest lessons I had to learn. Ones that I didn’t want to learn since they were hurtful to the core. Things I wanted to forget and sweep under the carpet. When regretting things, we don’t accept ourselves as a whole. We are still trying to hide behind things that we don’t want to admit we did. So here I sit, acknowledging who I really am, past & present.

In this acknowledgement I also realize I am a shinning star in avoiding the unspeakables. I would much rather crack a joke. Emotions are way too serious. Emotions mean actually opening up and admitting that I have feelings which can lead to a broken heart or wounded pride. Even when talking about relatives. Summing it up I mean really, they are just people. Since they are the people closest to us, they can do the most damage. This is quite a pickle now isn’t it? The people we are closest to are the hardest to tell how we feel about them.  Why? Rejection. What will they say? Will it be a regret? Maybe I shouldn’t have said that?

A switch flipped this year. My views and outlooks have taken a drastic turn. I hug a little more while holding on a little longer. Hugs are better then words sometimes. They convey what our heart is feeling when words can not. I also started to convey to people just what they mean to me. A random text here or there just to say Thanks. I throw around I love you’s a little more freely. Which I must admit has become easier to do. In doing this, I have completely let go of any regrets I have had. I have taken them in as lessons. I have come to terms with the idea of telling someone how I feel about them, even if it is hard for me to choke out the words. Regret free is my new motto. Moving forward from here I would say to you, Don’t have regrets. Don’t let those moments pass you by. Say what your heart is holding.

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