I hate being alone with myself.
Yea, I said that. I said it with no thought. No reserves. Slide out of my mouth as smooth as warm butter on a biscuit. Initial shock shown on my face. Slow lingering tears of shame. I was quite angry with myself for awhile about this. How could I say that? Did I really mean that? How horrible of a person had I become?
Usually pre-hate statement, I always made eye contact. Although now I can admit it was more of a dominance issue than confidence. But any who, I could stare down the tallest of giants. Now, post-hate statement, I couldn’t even look a child in the face. I didn’t want someone to read the hate I had behind my eyes. Walking through most days with my head hanging down, I began to see life from the ground up.
My feet getting out of some one’s way. My hand holding open a door. Helping load groceries in the trunk of a mom grocery shopping solo with three toddlers. I stopped looking at faces and started looking at my actions. I stopped waiting for validation from other people and started reassuring myself of how horrible I was NOT. I wasn’t doing things so that other people could see what I was doing. Just so I could. Wasn’t telling anybody. Just showing myself.
After a few months I began to realize I didn’t really hate being alone with myself. I hated the thoughts that came up when I was alone with myself. The myriad of pestilence that plagued my mind when the world around me got silent. Many times I wondered what it would be like to have silence in my mind. To take all those thoughts and bury them deep enough to never hear them again. Maybe medication would help. Maybe there’s my very own Alice in Wonderland pill that can turn everything upside down right side up again.
But there wasn’t. There was only me and the deadly mental epidemic of highly infectious disease ridden thoughts I was carrying around. Medication made my mind fuzzy. No clarity to wrangle up the sand worms digging tunnels through my inner peace. So my quest began. Not only to eradicate the sand worms eating through my mind but to fill the emptiness those vile worms left with knowledge. Knowledge has been the key on my quest. The knowledge to heal. The knowledge to love. The knowledge to forgive. The knowledge to accept that I am worth all of that and so much more.
P.S. I don’t hate being alone with myself anymore.