family · life · love · my heart · my sister

Just let go and be here

It was a long 4th of July weekend. The fourth was actually during the weekend. Parties every where. Bonfire aromas floated on the air. Grills were at work every corner you turned. Vibrant explosions of colors starting every night at dusk. My outer persona was singing, dancing, having a good time. But inside I was a wreck.

I was terrified. Would she have any side effects from her brain surgery? Would she have any paralysis?  Is he going to get the whole mass? Is it connected to her brain?

“Kate, let go. Just let go and be here”

I tried so hard. I shut it off. Focus on your sister. She needs you. I was what she needed me to be during the day. But at night, when I was alone…my heart ached. My sweat pea. How am I going to keep my shit together for her Monday. I cried my self to sleep every night that weekend. Soft quiet cries.

When Monday morning came, my inside were a train wreck.

“Kate, I’m gonna be fine. You pray more than a church full of grandmas with their rosaries”

Siblings and her boyfriend were there. Her medical team let us back to surgical waiting. It sounded like a party. We were laughing. Cracking so many jokes. It was a good time. Light heartiness. Even her med team was in on the joking around. They had given her something for anxiety, she was loopy, so that made it all the funnier. They came to get her. We hugged. Kissed cheeks. Touched foreheads whispering “Forever & Always. Always& Forever”. She kissed her boyfriend.

My mind was on looped prayer. It’s all I could think. It’s all I could process.  Be with that surgeon. Guide his hands. Don’t take my sister. Not yet. I’m not ready. That replayed over and over.

The waiting room was full. But I was alone. I know I talked to my siblings. But I don’t know what we talked about. I was once again focusing on the door. That’s all I could see. My heart was so heavy. My mind frozen in that time. Stopped in that room. The plants were fake. Or were they real. They look like grass. Why is garbage on the floor? Why can’t people clean up after themselves? How much longer? It’s only been 30 minutes? Sigh

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want her to be in there. I want a different version. I still think this is bullshit. Sigh. Negative thoughts aren’t going to help right now.

She got out of surgery. The neurosurgeon had removed the mass. It was going to be biopsied. A half relieved feeling washed over me. She had made it out of surgery. She was ok.

A really quick rough thunderstorm had come through while we were in the waiting room. When I got home, my rose garden had been torn up. My focal point of my yard. The place I put all my emotions. The place that helps me work through everything.

Alone. I went out to my roses, fell to the ground and cried. I bawled my eyes out. I was a blubbering fool. I knew then. The doctors had already talked numbers and probabilities of that mass being cancer. I feel apart. I just wasn’t ready. Not now. She’s a baby. Please not now…what am I going to do with out her? How am I going to breathe?

That day was a bittersweet one. She was ok. But for how long?

That day was the day I had to get my act together. My sister was right. I had to stop thinking about how long we had and enjoy every moment we did have. Stop thinking about when it was going to end and just be here, now. No matter how much my heart ached or how much I hurt, I had to just let it go for the time being. I could always hurt later. I wasn’t always going to be able to be with my sister.

“Kate, Let go. Just let go and be here”

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