grief · loss · love · my sister

Everywhere I go, there you are

The truth is, you never realize how entwined your life is with someone else until they aren’t there anymore.

The fall that my sister started treatment was mild. We had so much beautiful weather later into the season. Everywhere I went, she went to. There was always some reason or another she was in my neighborhood. She had to get a prescription or “Ummm <giggle>, I needed gas.” Or the day would start with a text or call wanting to know what I was up to. And who would’ve guessed. POOF there she was! And there we’d go. Once again, windows down, music up, voices flowing.

It was three months. September, October, November. The end of that November was bringing colder weather. She didn’t like to go out in cold weather. Plus, by then, the Opdivo was making her a little more tired. So we text alot. Talked on the phone alot. We went to the doctors alot. We still were together all the time. But it was a different together during the winter, spring and summer of the next year.

Today, I went out. I just needed to breathe. I was thinking of a place to go. A place to get myself together.

But, everywhere I go, there she is.

At the thrift store, trying on a fur coat with some big dumb hat.

At CVS, asking me about gummie prenatals because she doesn’t do pills.

At Ultra, telling me I don’t know nothing about her nacho cheese.

At Meijer, telling the deli worker she wants FRESH chicken, not some old stuff that’s been sitting there.  Oh and a half pound of mac n cheese too.

At Dunkin’ Donuts taking a drink of hot chocolate and then asking me why it’s so hot.

At Burger King, laughing, joking, stuffing our faces.

At the library asking me why I’m such a nerd. How is the library cool?

At Strack’s buying cherry Pepsi because nothing is better than Pepsi on ice. Or grabbing her  pregnant belly because she was having contractions.

Right now, it’s like a movie scene. Those points in a movie after they have lost someone, they look to the side and you see the person there, doing whatever it is they do. Then, the person looks there again and the other person is gone.

I am at an awkward transition in this whole grief/mourning thing.

One minute, I’m hysterical

I have such an ache to hear you laugh, feel your hug and to look over and see you there, not just remember you there.

The next minute I am so thankful.

I have a slide show of wonderful memories everywhere I go.

I have such a gratefulness in my heart that I have all of these moment we shared captured in my mind.

Everywhere I go, there you are. Forever & Always. Always & Forever.






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