grief · loss

Last night

Last night, I got in the car. I sat there for a few. I promised you I would try. Just sitting there, wouldn’t really have been trying. So, I begrudgingly started the car and off to the hospital to attend a support group I went.

I pulled in. I parked. I sat there for a few. Once again, just sitting there wouldn’t really have been trying. A quick breathing centering exercise. Mindfulness. Keep centered.

I walked a bit in the parking lot and froze as I looked at the hospital. It’s the first time I’ve been back. It’s the first time since I left with you on our adventure of an ambulance ride. It’s the first time I’m not coming to visit you. It’s the first time I’m not here because of you. Although I guess I can technically say it is because of you.

I closed my eyes. Talked out loud to myself. Kate, you can do this. Come on Kate, you can do this.

That was me the whole way into the hospital, elevator, off the elevator, walking to the meeting room.

If I’m just standing there, I’m not trying.  Kate, you can do this.

I don’t know if I like this group. I don’t know if it’s the right one for me. But I went. I talked.

Last night I didn’t just stand there, I tried.

 

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