cancer · grief · my sister

If life was a movie

If life was a movie: I’m sure there would have been some miracle cure. Your trial medication would have been the medication to work. You would be here.

If life was a movie: Today we would be talking or texting about a new movie on Lifetime. Surely something where the wife killed the husband but you didn’t think she was guilty. You would tell me about how we need to hang out soon. And that you think I hate you because you text me and I didn’t answer (fast enough).

If life was a movie: You would have called me this morning to complain that your boyfriend was going to work. Of course he is, it is Tuesday. And you would say but it’s Valentine’s day. Then you would call me later (because he bought you M&Ms or Flamin’ hot cheetos or whatever gift) to say that he remembered!!!

If life was a movie: We would be talking about how your youngest is 4 today!!! And he is so much like you. So much. Your “booty” chin and creased neck.

But it is not a movie.

There was no miracle cure.

If this life was a movie it would be a horribly depressing sob story. In that aspect, you would probably enjoy it as a movie. You were always down for a “good” cry.

I never understood a “good” cry.

I cried myself exhausted today. Not for one particular reason, but for a million.  It didn’t feel “good”. 

I feel asleep because I was so exhausted. 

I woke up. I cried more. Still didn’t feel good. 

I’m crying now. Nope, not good. 

Today nothing feels good. 

If this was a movie there would amazing music playing while I wrote an even more amazing letter of grief to you while I cried. However, reality is I am a  very simple person. So this is what you get while I cry.

Krys, 

I miss you. I can’t breathe.

I’m trying.

Forever & Always. Always & Forever

Kate

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