grief · love · my sister

In the best ways

I missed you in the best ways.

The weather was phenomenal today. Perfect day to get out in the yard to purge all the debris.

For three gardening seasons, my yard has been at the bottom of my to-do list. The past two seasons, my gardens received minimal care. There just wasn’t enough time for everything I needed to do.

My gardens could wait, my sister couldn’t.

My gardens would be there next year, my sister wouldn’t.

She fussed at me about how important my flowers were to me. I shouldn’t be neglecting them. But when I said it was her or the flowers, she quickly changed her tune. On life went, me with her and her with me.

My sister died in September. Part of me was pissed it wasn’t gardening season. I could work out all these emotions in the dirt. I could handle it that way. Gardening is so therapeutic.

But today, I am glad she didn’t die during gardening season. I would have loathed my favorite time of the year. I wouldn’t look forward to it. There would be such a sadness.

This year, my gardens are still here but my sister is not.

I look around at all the work I need to do, and oddly it gives me a feeling of relief. I look at the cuttings from bushes and a tree we cut down.They are piled so high.  I see the disarray of my rose garden. That hits hard. It is in such bad shape. That one was a little hard to swallow.

As I looked it over and over again, I missed my sister being there in the yard with me. I cried some. But mostly, I missed her in a good way.

I know by the way my yard looks, I made the right choice every day during her battle. I left my gardens behind.

BUT

Every day I chose her, I gained a wealth of precious memories.

Every day I chose her, it let her know how much more important she was to me then anything else in my life.

Every day I chose her, our love bloomed more and more into the most wonderful blossum.

Today I missed you in the best way as your memories danced on the breeze.

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