Every morning waking up is harder than the one before. Right now, each morning is a struggle. I have to talk myself out of bed. Once I get myself up, I can dust off the cobwebs that have encased my brain. The lows are dredging a little deeper each morning. Wiping away the cobwebs takes a little longer each day. Then the reminder that I need to fight. I’m here and she’s not. You got another day she didn’t. Head in the game Kate. Head in the game.
I hit a peak in my grief. Recently I have been doing better. It is almost like standing outside myself at times. I can see that I am doing better. I am cooking better meals, not just chicken nuggets. (Not saying chicken nuggets are horrible, just not the best every other day.) I am remember all the things I need and want to do in a day. I am not leaving the cabinet doors open. I am putting things back in the cabinets and not leaving it sit on the counter, totally forgetting I even got it out. My absent-mindedness is at a lull. I see the world, not just drag through it. I want to be better. I want to fight harder.
Now I am hitting a low. The waves are crashing into me a little harder, stronger, higher, each morning. I left the cabinets open earlier today. I left the boxes on the counter. My oldest ask me if I was done with them. I started the day ok. I got out of bed, no problems. I cleaned the kitchen. Did some baking. Then it comes over me. Today wasn’t the crash of a wave. Today was a dark cloud. Yes, a total movie scene. That stereotypical scary scene.
Just standing there. Everything is good in the world. Then slowly an ominous, black lightening ridden cloud moves in. And just like that, I am covered. I am in motion, but solely on autopilot. Then the sun peaks through, my brain is working. There it is. But just as quickly as it came, it goes again.
I knew this month would be hard. I did all the grief prepping stuff. Have a plan. Have a back up plan. Anniversaries are hard. Be ready.
But the flaw here is how do you implement a plan when you can’t even remember to close the cabinet??
How can you ever be ready for your world to crash down all around you all over again when you don’t know what will trigger it??
I miss you Krys. I miss having you with me to fight the hard parts of life. I miss having someone like me to lean on when I need it the most. You never judged me. Just accepted me. I need that right now. I need that blinding love and acceptance to chase away my dark clouds. I miss my favorite rainbow.
Forevr & Always. Always & Forever.