cancer · grief · life after loss · my sister

Everyday is a choice

“Kate, what are we going to do?”

This is the question my sister poised to me when we found out the doctors now wanted to try radiation until she would get her chemo-therapy pills. She never wanted to do radiation. At the beginning she had said it was not an option. I felt awkward that she had asked me what we were going to do. She was the one getting treatment, fighting for her life. I was just there.

“Well Krys, I don’t know what you are going to do. But whatever you do, I promise I will be there.”

She got so mad at me. She yelled. Threw things. I was in shock. I didn’t understand what I did wrong. I said I would be there. I always had been, I always would be. Having grown accustom to her moods, I just left it alone. When she wanted to tell me what was wrong, she would. No point in fighting with her. At that moment, I was sure she was mad at the world. Just mad at everything.

I sat with her while she raged. There wasn’t anything I or anyone else could physically do besides literally sit there and listen.

“This isn’t fair”

“What did I do wrong?”

“Why me?”

After that one, she through something at me.

“Answer me damn it!!! You always have an answer for everything!!!”

I sat there. Quiet. Thinking over a couple of times what I wanted to say. I knew no matter what came out of my mouth, it would be wrong. She just was upset. My mind raced around trying to quickly come up with the best wrong answer I could find.

“Every day is a choice, Krys. You can use all your energy to be pissed OR focus on what to do next.”

Her choice that day was to be pissed. Very pissed. Her choice the next day was to try radiation. She felt that in order to fight something, you have to try every way possible. She was such a strong fighter.

When we went to the first radiation treatment, I told her:

“My choice today is to be scared. My choice is to be with you, my every day choice is to be with you. Just so you know.”

“Well Kate, like you said, every day is a choice. Today mine is to lay with my head in your lap until they come get me. And watch these chicks be fools on Maury.”

She laid there in my lap while I rubbed her hair until they came to get her for treatment.

Now, I am telling myself that everyday is a choice. I’ve made the choice that if she can fight, I can too.  Today’s choice for me is hard. The sadness is overwhelming this past week. Most days, I’ve just had to make the choice to get up and move. I just want to hide away. The way her and I would hide in our hoodies because everything just sucked. I don’t want the world to see my sad. I don’t want to talk to people about it, today that just makes it hurt more.

radiation

 

 

 

 

 

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