grief · life after loss · my sister

My heart is a mess

How do I make my mind’s thoughts make sense in words?

You are playing over and over again in my mind. Everything. Every detail.

The freckles across the bridge of your nose. There are more freckles on the right check than left check. Plush full checks. A smile that takes up your whole face. So big it flows over to your  eyes. So bright. Wide. Full of life. Warm. Just thinking about this right now, I can feel the warm that flowed from you.

I watched you slowly fade. Like a summer flower withering in the fall. The slow process of life and spirit leaving you. The weight rapidly coming off. Your cheeks no longer puffy but more sunken. You still smiled but it didn’t quite reach your eyes anymore. Those beautiful eyes of yours had started to dim. There was still life, just a much different type. The knowing that you were going to die began to show. I saw fear, sadness, regret, but I always saw love. Always. The love never went away. It never dulled. It just became fuller.

Then I see you dancing. Just dancing. You never cared who saw it. Or what they thought. You danced. Life flowing through you and anyone around you. Your spirit would pull other people in. You were a magnet.

And so my mind goes. On and on. Memory after memory…

The loss is known to my brain. I rationalize it. That cancer was so aggressive. Each time it had come back so much stronger than before. Your body just couldn’t handle it anymore.  My brain can science and logic losing you all day. Science is my process. It makes sense. It works. It’s fact.

But not my heart…….

My heart is a mess.

How do I make my heart’s feelings into comprehensible sentences?

A fragile piece of myself hidden deep down in there somewhere. Delicate. Encased in layers of protection. Often, my heart is buried, concealed. I don’t show my wounded heart openly. It needs to be carefully handled. Too strong of a memory. Too much of familiar fragrance. Too many cords of a favorite song. Too little. Too much. Any and all of that can and will shatter me all over again.

Currently, I can’t find the sentences to express the feelings. But words, I have many.

Crushed. Destroyed. devastated. Overwhelmed. Sad. Distraught. Lifeless. Empty. Lonely. Weak. Broken-hearted. Lost. Depressed. Weepy. Unhinged. Gutted. Fallen. Gloomy. In pieces. Miserable. Inconsolable.

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