grief · life after loss · my sister

Don’t give up on me

She was at my house. On my couch. This is where I cry. This is where I break down. But at the time, I couldn’t. I locked up.

Clumps of my sister’s hair was falling out. Just hand fulls. She would take off her head scarf, and it would be full of hair.

She was vomiting. But at the same time, she wasn’t eating or drinking. She dry heaved. She vomited a little bits of anything that were in her stomach.

My husband carried her to the bathroom. He literally lifted her to and from the bathroom.

I was frozen. Everything was going so fast. She had got sick so hard and so fast from the radiation.

In between tears, gasping for air, crying, my sister said to me:

“Kate, don’t give up on me”

I was frozen. I looked at her. Her body now showing the cancer that was claiming her life. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t talk. Usually I could control my emotions for her. I could stop crying or hold back until I got home.

But, I was home. Again, she was in my home. The place I cried, broke down, ranted, etc. This was my safe place. Reconciling the two worlds of “game face” for my sister and “crying face” for  home, wasn’t going to happen. I froze. I choked up.

I reiterate that no matter how much prepping you do, you are never ready. No matter how many people tell you their story. No matter how many stories you read. No matter how many books you read. No matter what you do. Not matter how you do it. You will never be ready.

My husband brought my sister to sit next to me. We sat together on my loveseat, holding hands and crying. It wasn’t a loud sobbing cry. No deep noises of pain. Just tears. Lots and lots of tears. The free-flowing kind that streak up your whole cheek. Not just in one spot. The ones that make your whole face wet.

“Kate, please..don’t give up.”

“Krys, I’m not. I’m just so sad. My life with out you……(crying)”

“Kate, I love you, that will never change.”

“Krys, I love you most. Like a sister and a daughter.”

“Kate, I love you most. Like a sister and a mother.”

“Ya know Krys, this is lame. Too much crying. Let’s watch Wedding Planner or”

At the same time

“Maid in Manhattan”

Later when her and I were in a better place mentally, I explained to her that I wasn’t giving up. I never would. I just lost focus for a minute.  And of course, she gave a true Krystal is full of herself response…

“How can you lose focus of this??? I’m too fine”

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