grief · life after loss

Emptiness

My sister being gone has left an emptiness in my life.

I am married. My husband has bipolar & autism. I have four children, two with autism. I have four brothers, some nieces and nephews. My life is busy. There is always someone who needs help with something. There is always something to do.

But, I don’t feel like doing any of it.

Without my sister, there is an emptiness. There are things that her and I would do, that obviously are no longer apart of my life. There is a huge void. She wedge herself into my life even at my busiest times. There was always time. She always made time and made me make time.

Now time just seems irrelevant. I know that I need to get a task done, but I just can’t. The emptiness is immobilizing. I have no interest. I walk through. I do the motions. But my heart isn’t there.

Depression. Yes, I know it’s depression. I get that. Yes, I go for walks. Yes I do yoga. Yes I meditate.

I fight every damn day.

Six months of fighting. It’s wearing me out. It’s exhausting trying to “fake it til you make it”. Six months of this new version of life. Living in an “after” Krystal, never knowing what each day is going to feel like. Six months of raw unrealistic emotions.

But right now, it’s mostly just emptiness. Alot of emptiness.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s